Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.