French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
You Might Also Like
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Good morning!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.