[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?