If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
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Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’