No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Did I do this right
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
それは草
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
How all things should be taught/explained.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”