BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Flowers bee like
No Google it does not
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.