Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
c’mon!
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Ha.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad