Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by