Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.