Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.