Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?