Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
yeet
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Mmmm canned fish.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.