Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
another case of gang violins
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH