Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.