Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Put this video in the Louvre
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I unironically love this joke.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
When I can’t barge, I careen.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?