Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
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This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon