Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
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*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes