Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*