Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Do not levitate over flowers
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.