There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.