Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.