FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
You Might Also Like
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.