Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.