“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
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My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.