friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
The two types of wives
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
What a year we’ve had this week.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
This came to me in a dream.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.