Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
spot the difference
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
This is a bad sign
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.