Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”