FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
The fall of Netflix
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
adding to the discourse
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅