Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)