Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!