Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or