Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
You Might Also Like
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
taking June’s advice to heart
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
That’s not how days work.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.