Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*puts my mental health in rice
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Nice try, NASA
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.