Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
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My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes