Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter