*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
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When news reporters do sports stories
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
peak technology
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions