Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.