@stevevsninjas: Me: I'm super nervous about this. Bungee Jump Operator: Don't overthink it. Just do it. Me: ok *I punch him in the face and run like hell*

@IamEnidColeslaw: rroses are red, violets are blue, Valentine's Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

@Yeaitsgc: I wonder if whiskey thinks about me too.

@TheRealNickKay: [Walks in on girlfriend on death bed] ME: [Crying] this can't be happening GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

@Hobo_Splendido: For the low, low price of $14.95, I'll send you my instructional DVD, "How to Succeed as a Con Man."