@alispagnola: What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

@Marlebean: Me: Shut the door, I need privacy 4y/o: But we're family! Me: Families don't watch each other go poop 4:You watch me poop! Me:...take a seat

@JB1971_: Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

@Tmoney68: "Can I get a do-over?" - Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life....

@alrightbob: "Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.