Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?