Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?