Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭