friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
peak technology
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.