friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.