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[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
See..?
.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.