@OutOnTheMoors: Friend celebrated her birthday today by falling off an elephant in Thailand, if you thought I'm the weird one in my circle.
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@Brampersandon_: FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire F: what? No M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
@rohoxbaby: Every Facebook post: *Girl posts lyrics* Elderly woman comments "Hi lucy. you're so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday"
@Jennuflect: [taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard
@OfficialMizGin: There’s nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack.