Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.