Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Don’t talk down to me
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.