Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
finally found a reasonable question
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me