My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.