Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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My love language is hissing.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.