Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Dudes named Chance never had one.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good