Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
mariah carrie