Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist